this one's for the right to petition

What the hell are they on about? This looks like an Onion news article, like much of today's news. I look forward to the Phrenology of Guys Who Are Totally Into Asians and How to Tell a Lesbanian From Her Nasal Bones, etc.

This is worth it just for the phrases "aerodynamic Moby-head," "nacho-infused grunt," and "free-range muffins." All of these caricatures are more accurate than all the others. I could probably throw a rock out of my house and hit one, and most likely I should.

Everyone from John Travolta to Jennifer Lopez looks amazing on Planet Hiltron. I mean... AMAZING. Click it, puny human.

Steps:

1. Kill bird at golf tournament.

2. Have goofy pic taken making fun of said dead bird.

3. Never be forgiven, ever again.

The marketers at Taco Bell would like us to enjoy a meal some time between dinner and breakfast. Another meal a day means more growth, which means they can keep stuffing vinyl and badger guts down our face in the guise of "food." I think Taco Bell probably qualifies as vegan because nothing there is vegetable OR animal. Anyway, here's the good word: Night eating isn't a lifestyle choice, it's a dangerous syndrome. I don't mean just when you've been drinking, I mean when you do it all the time.

Don't listen to the siren sound of the mission bell. They want you dead.

Oh, and one other thing: Why do I have to tell you guys my gender just to get advertised at for bad food? What the hey?

T-Shirt Hell finally gets one right. HA.

This young lady has just found out that the Internets are full of sarcastic people. Her reaction and her singing performance afterwards are comedy gold.

Hey now hey don't dr... [WHAM] OW OW BOTTLE TO FACE

CELEBRITY LOVE DISASTER

Best April Fool I've seen so far this year. Shoes will tear us apart again! Let's go GLOOMJOGGIN'!